To disappear

Have you ever tried to disappear? Apparently I have been trying to. We are fast approaching the 4 year anniversary of my BRCA 1 + diagnosis. Over the past year I have become a previvor. I have had a total hysterectomy to reduce my risk of ovarian cancer and a bilateral mastectomy to reduce my chanced of breast cancer. Long before I chose to have preventative surgeries I started erasing myself.

Being told there is an 80% chance of getting cancer is some seriously scary shit. I didn't consciously decide hey I should get rid of all my shit, but it happened. I got rid of my nicknacks. I got rid of things that I liked. Nothing that really meant anything or would be considered keep sake items to my children, just stuff. I don't think I wanted to burden them with what would remain of myself if I died. Not that I wanted to die but I think I was subconsciously trying to prepare for my passing and make it easier on my family.  I want them to remember me when I am gone but not by piles of possessions.

Then came my clothes. I got rid of all the things that were not practical mom life clothes. I got rid of things I didn't love. My life has been totally Konmari-ed. Yet we still have too much stuff(but that's a whole other story).

The whole time I have been trying to erase myself my husband has been desperately trying to put my in pretty things to help me feel beautiful. To help me feel like the person he knows I am and the person who is buried below the diagnosis. There I was standing at the end of the plank looking out over the sharks and he stood behind me trying to get me to put on a cute dress. I didn't fully understand it. I felt frustrated. I felt like an ugly hideous and repulsive weight.. a burden to him and those around me. Bless his heart for always trying to help dig me out of depressed funk. He has given me every tool and it is now my job to use them.

At some point it finally clicked. There is nothing like waking up. Waking up to see that you have a life. You have this moment. There is no reason to wallow in self pity and self hatred. Even though I have done all of these things to keep from getting sick, I might still get sick. Tomorrow is not a promise. All I have is this moment and I plan to use every single moment that I am blessed with to be happy.

I want to be strong for my kids. I want to laugh, smile, listen, support, encourage, and most of all cherish every second I get to spend with them. Every single day of my life is a blessing. I refuse to give up and become a big fat ball of stupid. No matter what challenge comes I plan to face it with fierce gracefulness.

My beautiful husband bought me shoes tonight. I haven't allowed myself to own more than 2 pair of shoes in such a long time. I am now the proud owner of 2 pair of dress shoes. I feel myself slowly becoming the person he deserves. The person he knows I can be. I got to spend another day with my best friend and that is the greatest gift in the whole world.