Dreams of ghosts

Last night I had a dream. Aunt Connie and Uncle Ethan came to my grandma's house. Connie is her sister. I was walking around showing them all the things I had done and got a bit weepy with the things I have not finished. Aunt Connie told me it was ok and gave me a hug. Uncle Ethan talked to me and we came up with a plan then got to work to make grandma's house safer and better. The problem is that Ethan died before grandpa did. I have dreamed of grandpa healthy and full of spunk. I guess it is part of the grieving process. I am so busy juggling all the things during the day that I guess the feelings are getting built up. It's ok. The dreams have been beautiful. It has been so nice to visit with these lovely men. I miss my grandpa so much.

The end of 2016 I was sure I was going to die. I started making myself smaller and smaller. I got rid of nick nacks. I got rid of all my clothes and shoes that I didn't wear on a weekly basis. It was the point I realized I had to take action and have the preventative surgeries. 

I am shooting a wedding tomorrow and don't have work clothes. My old clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway. BUT today I am off to buy some black dress pants and some black sneakers because I am ALIVE!! I am getting excited about this wedding. I love getting away and capturing moments of people.

Here's to new beginnings and new pants.

Insta Pot Chili

• 1 pound ground beef
• Olive Oil to look 
• 6 cups of tomato put through the vitamix / 10 on the vine tomatoes
• 1 green pepper, sliced then chopped with the pampered chef chopper
• 2 fist sized onions (white) 
• 7 cloves organic garlic, minced
• pink Himalayan salt to look 
• black pepper to look 
• 1 tsp Italian seasoning
• 2 cans of green wise pinto beans 2 cans of green wise dark red kidney beans 
• 1 tbsp chili powder
• 2-3 tsp ground cumin 
• A sprinkling of crushed red pepper
• 1 cup of chicken broth
• 1 can of green wise tomato paste

Onion, pepper and garlic sautéed in the insta pot with some olive oil.

Then I added the beef and browned it while adding all the spices. 

Once browned add 1 cup of chicken broth to deglaze the pan. 

Stir in beans and mis all together with the beef. 

In the blender mix up the tomatoes it came to 48 oz. Then I added 1 can of tomato paste and mixed some more.

Pour tomato on top of the beef and beans, don't stir.

Set to manual high pressure, 10 minutes. Allow to naturally release. 

This was pretty good. It was a bit bland. I think more chili powder next time. It was a bit soupy. I think less tomato or more bean would be better. 

I will burn every relationship if need be....

I am an absolutely horrible friend. I really am. For 12 years I have been devoted to my children. I have poured every ounce of my being into being a good mom. Before that I poured all of me into being the best wife I could be. Between the two rolls there isn't much left of me. I really don't have best friends like I once did. Those bridges started the crumble when I left high school early and started working. I am a easily distracted and put all of me into what ever I am doing. I admit it, I suck as a friend. I am not going to remember to call you. I am not going to go out at night, that time is for my family.

The happiness of my husband and the safety and wellbeing of my children is more important than any friend ship I may have. It is the hard truth. They are tiny little people and he needs me to be his partner. You are a grown ass adult. I am so sorry that I offended you by not calling and being the normal soft push over of a person that I tend to be. Guess what, you were cruel to my child. You did not tell them you were sorry. You think you were right to be cruel because the world is hard and I am too soft. Guess what, that is the definition of a bully. You don't get to be an ass hole to my kid and me not do something about it.

So no. I am not going to do the normal me thing. I am not going to grovel and beg you to be my friend. Honestly I am tired. I am tired of being everything to everyone. The most important job I have is being a wife and mother. That fact that you don't get that tells me that I made the right choice in going silent.

This is truly the hardest thing in the world for me. I don't like making people sad or hurting people. It is the complete opposite of who I am. For my husband and my children I have given all of myself and will continue to do so. My family is my world. The moment you hurt one of them you were no longer apart of my family and while I forgive you I will not let something like that happen again.

Math U See manipulatives

If I see one more person asking about alternative "blocks" for Math U See. Or cutting up pieces of paper I might just cry. You can get a used set for about $40. You will spend more time explaining to your child why their blocks are different than the video. It is totally worth the cost.

SO help me people! Just buy the blocks. Yes they are $80. Yes that is a lot of money. You are using these manipulative EVERY YEAR! Just buy them. They resell for more than 50% of their value. I am now using mine for the 6th year! That is $13.33 per year in manipulatives that are being used across 3 kids. The process works. Trust it.

Also don't even get me started on breaking publisher rules on actually using the work books. They cost $40 a year. Are you seriously going to have your child write out an entire text book to save $40 so you can resell the book?? I LOVE my portfolio filled with completed Math U See work books. Yes I tried out a used copy to start with and it sucked (couldn't afford a new copy now I budget so I CAN buy new). It sucked so bad I vowed to never buy used consumable anything again.

I get saving money. My children't amazing testing scores in math tell me it is worth every penny they charge. My 6th grader just tested at a 10th grade level. I am beyond proud and I thank Dr. Demme every day!

Freedom!

Sometimes when we remove ourselves from a situation we look back and realize it was toxic.

To disappear

Have you ever tried to disappear? Apparently I have been trying to. We are fast approaching the 4 year anniversary of my BRCA 1 + diagnosis. Over the past year I have become a previvor. I have had a total hysterectomy to reduce my risk of ovarian cancer and a bilateral mastectomy to reduce my chanced of breast cancer. Long before I chose to have preventative surgeries I started erasing myself.

Being told there is an 80% chance of getting cancer is some seriously scary shit. I didn't consciously decide hey I should get rid of all my shit, but it happened. I got rid of my nicknacks. I got rid of things that I liked. Nothing that really meant anything or would be considered keep sake items to my children, just stuff. I don't think I wanted to burden them with what would remain of myself if I died. Not that I wanted to die but I think I was subconsciously trying to prepare for my passing and make it easier on my family.  I want them to remember me when I am gone but not by piles of possessions.

Then came my clothes. I got rid of all the things that were not practical mom life clothes. I got rid of things I didn't love. My life has been totally Konmari-ed. Yet we still have too much stuff(but that's a whole other story).

The whole time I have been trying to erase myself my husband has been desperately trying to put my in pretty things to help me feel beautiful. To help me feel like the person he knows I am and the person who is buried below the diagnosis. There I was standing at the end of the plank looking out over the sharks and he stood behind me trying to get me to put on a cute dress. I didn't fully understand it. I felt frustrated. I felt like an ugly hideous and repulsive weight.. a burden to him and those around me. Bless his heart for always trying to help dig me out of depressed funk. He has given me every tool and it is now my job to use them.

At some point it finally clicked. There is nothing like waking up. Waking up to see that you have a life. You have this moment. There is no reason to wallow in self pity and self hatred. Even though I have done all of these things to keep from getting sick, I might still get sick. Tomorrow is not a promise. All I have is this moment and I plan to use every single moment that I am blessed with to be happy.

I want to be strong for my kids. I want to laugh, smile, listen, support, encourage, and most of all cherish every second I get to spend with them. Every single day of my life is a blessing. I refuse to give up and become a big fat ball of stupid. No matter what challenge comes I plan to face it with fierce gracefulness.

My beautiful husband bought me shoes tonight. I haven't allowed myself to own more than 2 pair of shoes in such a long time. I am now the proud owner of 2 pair of dress shoes. I feel myself slowly becoming the person he deserves. The person he knows I can be. I got to spend another day with my best friend and that is the greatest gift in the whole world.